


Coping, singing and falling in love

by shadow_writer0822



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Plays the Piano, Alec Lightwood sings, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coming Out, Depressed Alec Lightwood, Depression, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Malec, Non-Explicit Sex, POV Alec Lightwood, POV Magnus Bane, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Jace Wayland, Self-Harm, Singer Alec Lightwood, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Sweet Magnus Bane, and plays the piano, non-homophobic parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:48:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26559967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_writer0822/pseuds/shadow_writer0822
Summary: Since "it" Alec Lightwood has never been the same. Quiet and calm kid became a depressed teenager. How will Alec cope with his trauma, lost passion for singing and most importantly with a certain beautiful boy?
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis & Isabelle Lightwood
Comments: 56
Kudos: 78





	1. New beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!  
> This is my first ff and I'm super excited about it. English is not my first language so don't feel bad to point out some mistakes.
> 
> I'm all about the angst so this ff will contain a lot of depressing thoughts, self harm, coping with panic and anxiety attacks, etc. if chapter contains more explicit content I will put a trigger warning in the beginning. But there’s also gonna be lots and lots of fluff and I hope fun plot. Be careful and take care. And don't worry there'll be also tons of sweet boyfriends stuff.
> 
> I hope you enjoy! xx

Alec’s POV

„Did you pack your lunch? Do you have all the books? Oh, don’t forget to pick up your schedules at the principle office before classes.” I think mom was almost as stressed as I was but well, that’s not really possible. I usually don’t have enough energy to talk to anyone so early in the morning so I don’t bother answering. In fact I usually don’t have enough energy for a chat anytime in a day or during the night if that matters. Fortunately, my sister, Isabelle decided to rescue me from doing that. As always during those past six months. She has been rescuing me all the times since _it_ happened, even in such a simple situation as this. That’s what type of sister she is, loving and protecting even if I don’t deserve it.

„Mom! Stop it, we have everything and in case you forgot we are eating lunch at the cafeteria”. Izzy sighed but I know that deep down she is very excited and ready for what is coming. Unlike me. I haven’t really been myself since _it_ , not that before I wasn’t socially awkward.

Jace’s voice broke me out of my thought, that’s good because who knows how far would I go with that self pity. „People!!! Aren’t we all excited?! Let’s go before other guys steal the best girls from me”. He smirked. „Not that they can beat me in any way, with my great game and even better looks”. Jace is my adopted brother. This doesn’t change anything of course, I feel like he is even closer than blood to me. I know him since I was ten and yet his self-confidence doesn’t cease to surprise me.

„Jace! Women are not objects you can win or steal and they, WE do not belong to anybody.” I smiled internally, my sister is a very strong young woman and a feminist. We all are, that’s how we were brought up by our parents. Mom smiled proudly at Isabelle. She was the one who has been empowering Izzy every time me and Jace didn’t want her to play games with us when we were younger because she was a girl.

Then her gaze turned to my brother. „I hope your sister’s lesson got to you sweetie”. Jace looked at them apologetically. What is very beautiful about our family is the fact that we can’t be mad at each other very long.

„Okay Iz, Jace start the car. Have a nice day and behave.” That was my father - Robert. Our parents gave them very tight hugs, too tight for my liking, and send them to the garage. I know why they did this and what’s coming.

If I had to choose what part of the day is my least favorite I’d choose this one without any moment of hesitation. „Alec honey, roll up your sleeves.” Mom looked at me with her big sad eyes. With sadness caused by me. But I did what I’ve been told and let them examine my wrists. I could feel their eyes piercing into my skin, looking for new cuts with hope they wouldn’t find any. Of course they wouldn’t, at least not on my wrists. I don’t have a heart to tell them that this isn’t the only place where you can self harm. Since _it_ happened I’ve been marking my chest and thighs with thin lines. When you look at me you can say I am an abstract picture made by pain, guilt and sorrow.

„Good job son.” My dad smiled at me with pride. They haven’t seen any new wounds for three weeks now.

„Sweetheart, promise mom that you will give yourself and a new school a chance. This is the new beginning for all of us. Remember that we love you so much.” Mom told me with glistening from unshed tears eyes but this time not from sadness but hope and hint of happiness.

„Try to enjoy your first day. We love you Alec.” As much as I love my parents and I do love them very much, how could I not, they’re extremely supportive and caring. I have a feeling that this is gonna be a failure just like everything else in my life. I can’t promise them that.

„Okay. I promise. Love you too.”


	2. First day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa two chapters in one day!  
> I just wanted you guys to get involve in the story, after that I will try to post at least once a week.
> 
> I also know very little about educational system in US so if I wrote something extremely wrong about grades and stuff please tell me lol.

Alec’s POV

The ride to school wasn’t long, our new home was just fifteen minutes away but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t very stressful. I haven’t been in a car without at least one of my parent since _it_ , let alone driving on my own. I didn’t want to start panicking before even entering the school so closing my eyes didn’t sound like a bad idea. My therapist told me that it would be better to face my fears rather than running away from them but guess what, he is not here. As if reading my mind Izzy spoke up before I had a chance to close my eyes.

„We’re gonna be there in a minute big brother.” I love it when she calls me that. It makes me forget how weak I am. In fact I am, well I was very good at being the oldest brother. I’m very protective of my siblings.

Jace parked my Mercedes and got out, followed by Isabelle. I stayed for a second longer, they knew I need this. Oh how I used to love this car, it’s quite fancy, expensive for sure. Unfortunately after _it_ I have only bad feelings for this machine.

A moment I stood next to my siblings I realized once again how different we are and that I’m the black sheep in this family. Isabelle is my younger sister. She’s fifteen and a half, extremely beautiful, intimidating with her black, silk hair, gorgeous face and model body. More than that she is incredibly intelligent and has great taste in fashion. Today she’s wearing black leather mini skirt, too short in my opinion but who am I to tell her what to wear, black high-heeled boots and red top, matching her red lips. Her appearance is as powerful as her personality. Jace is truly a golden boy, a year younger than me. When you look at his hair and eyes you know that by saying golden I mean more than just his nature. Very confident but not too cocky, independent but helpful and caring. Real life of the party. Right now he’s standing in front of our new school in well fitted white t-shirt, ripped designer light jeans, his favorite leather jacket and new model of Nikes I can’t even name. This blondie for sure has looks. And then there’s me. Very tall, I guess that’s good, but still self conscious. With black, raven hair I can never tame and unsure expression on my face. What is interesting is that I am the only one in my family with blue eyes, I’ve been told they are beautiful but I’m not so sure. My clothes are almost the same as everyday, today I decided on something more colorful. Black jeans, black Vans and here comes the color, grey obviously long-sleeved shirt.

I haven’t always had this many insecurities. Before _it_ in our last school we were kind of popular, well Jace and Iz were, I even felt quite attractive. To be honest many girls were hitting on me, too bad I’m gay. People couldn’t believe that three people can be this appealing. That is how ‚The Lightwood genes’ was created, that also applied to Jace who wasn’t very similar to us but as attractive as me and my sister. Sadly the times of having a hint of self confidence past too fast.

Second we entered the school all eyes were on us, there were also a lot of whispering, some of the students were even pointing at us. I guess that’s the price you have to pay for transferring schools for your last year. I’m not good with people at all so I just hope for them to stay away from me.

„Look, there’s the principal’s office.” Jace knocked on the door and afer soft „come in” we entered the room. It was very nice, warm and welcoming. Behind huge, wooden desk was sitting red-haired woman.

„Hello, you must be the Lightwoods! I’m principal Jocelyn Fairchild, welcome to the Alicante High School.” She had a wide smile on her face. „Here are your day schedules, I also asked two students to give you a tour. They’re waiting outside.” Izzy and Jace grinned at her, I forced small smile on my lips.

It was my brother who spoke. „Than you very much for this warm invitation Ms. Fairchild. We promise to be at our best.” Oh Jace, my brother knew very well how to make people like him. Not that it was possible to dislike him or Isabelle.

Outside of the office stood green-eyed girl with red hair, literal copy of Ms. Fairchild. Both women very pretty. Next to her nerdy boy with glasses on his nose and ‚Made in Brooklyn’ t-shirt, with sweet expression on his face. He was also somehow handsome, Izzy would say nerdy-handsome.

„Hey! You’re the new students right?” We had only time to nod before she continued. „I’m Clary Fairchild,10th grade” so resemblance to our principal wasn’t accidental, „and this is my best friend Simon Lewis - 11th grade. We’re gonna give you the best tour ever!” She informed cheerfully. Her tone was kind of annoying but I knew she meant well.

„Hi! Nice to meet you. I’m Isabelle and I’m fifteen and a half so we are in the same grade Clary.” She said clearly happy. „These are my older brothers. Jace - 11th grade and the eldest Alec 12th grade.” I once again forced myself to put this fake smile I’ve been practicing for last six months. Damn it I even said ‚hi’.

I looked at Jace who for the first time in his life was speechless. I followed his gaze to find the reason of this unforgettable act. It happened that the reason of my brother being a drooling mess was Clary. What was more interesting she was looking at him with the same heart eyes. It was Simon who broke the silence. Jealous or impatient. I couldn’t tell.

They showed us all the classrooms and the best ways how to get to them. Music room was my favorite, probably because of the beautiful piano. Before _it_ I was playing and singing all the time, everyone was saying I had a huge talent. My parents tried to make me play again but that was _our_ thing, mine and _his_.

Cafeteria was very big and apparently food is very tasty, not that I care about food. In fact I have some weird eating disorder. My therapist says it’s because of the PTSD which I got from _it_. I don’t fully understand all the medical shit my therapist says but I just roll with it.

„Who is that?” Oh so Jace remember how to talk. He was looking at group of five people at the table. I didn’t bother looking.

„These are the popular kids of Alicante.” That can’t mean anything good, however Simon decided to cleared my thoughts. „But no fear they are not stereotypical. They are actually very kind, more like superheroes of this school. Also our good friends.”

„And who is that?!” This time Izzy asked in awe. „Oh and that is the most popular guy in our school. Magnus Bane.” This time I dared a look to understand what the fuss is about.

And there was standing the most beautiful boy I have ever seen.


	3. Magnus Bane

Alec’s POV

Okay Alec get it together, he is not that handsome. Well he is and he is inviting us to sit with his squad?! Shit I hope I’m not a blushing mess. I have this completely unnecessary talent to blush at everything, that’s probably because of my pale skin. Clary, Simon and my siblings grabbed some food, I very originally sticked to water. We headed towards their table. We sat down, my head was spinning from anxiety and stress, as I said I’m not really good with people that’s my siblings’ job. I am not trusting at all.

„Hey guys! These are the Lightwoods, Jace, Alec and Isabelle.” Said Clary with her usual cheerful tone. How can somebody be this happy while living on this planet. Turns out I’m the only one who wants to cease existing.

„Well hello there. It looks like our school earned three lovely people.” Looks who’s talking. This Magnus boy has voice as beautiful as his appearance. He’s wearing skinny leather pants in burgundy color, at least I think that’s how Isabelle would call it, and shiny, kind of elegant shoes. The dark blue, glittery, silk dress shirt is unbuttoned on top so I can see his caramel skinned chest. His black hair is spiked up and some ends are colored red to match his outfit I guess. His face is the most mesmerizing part, he’s wearing makeup, eyeliner and a lot of glitter. It suits him very well.

„I must say I absolutely love your clothes.” I knew Izzy would appreciate his style.

„I can only say the same about you. So Lightwoods tell us something about you. Or not.” I shared a confused look with my siblings. Maybe they would be popular and mean after all. „It would be rude to make you tell us all your secrets without introducing ourselves first.” Okay after that I felt relieved, it wouldn’t be nice if my crush started bullying me. Wait, crush?! „I am the magnificent Magnus Bane and these are my dearest friends.” I tried to stay focus and know what they are chatting about but all I was able to hear from this conversation were names. Catarina, Ragnor, Raphael and Tessa.

„We moved here in the beginning of summer vacation. We’re from New York, just another part.” Isabelle started explaining and we all knew what question is coming and that we can’t answer truthfully.

„Why?” Jace said something about dad’s job but the truth is we moved houses because of me. Because of _it_.

After some small talk which I wasn’t part of, obviously, we started eating. Well they started eating. Izzy picked some fancy quinoa vegan salad and chocolate pudding, Jace went all basic and grabbed a burger and coke. Magnus’ squad plates were full of pizza, salads and French fries.

„Why are you not eating?” Familiar, beautiful voice asked me and I knew that once again I have to lie.

„Not hungry.” I shrugged. That was an understatement. Even the thought of food makes me sick. Last time I had a full meal was when my parents feed forced me because I was on the verge of passing out. I can’t believe I’m saying that but I’m glad there are a lot people so Izzy can’t make a scene.

„So by how fast you earned a place at the populars’ table I guess you weren’t all quiet at your last school.” Ragnor you’re guessing right. ‚The Lightwoods genes’ hashtag was trending on Twitter for some time. Iz made me create all my social media accounts so now I have Facebook, Twitter and Instagram with some photos posted even.

My siblings started rambling about how right he is and how we became stars there. I just hoped for no embarrassing stories about me because my dear brother and sister know very well how to set me off.

„Hm, Alec.. A-lec.” Okay that was kind of disturbing. Out of nowhere Magnus started talking to himself. What is more confusing he started saying my name but not into my direction, he just muttered it under his nose. „Is it short for something?” Now it was question I can answer. Fortunately it doesn't require lying.

„Um… yes.” He stared at me, waiting for an answer he asked for. „I mean, um, Alexander. But nobody calls me that.” I blushed. Of course, ugh.

„Now someone does. Alexander is such a beautiful name, it suits you.” After that my face reached color red. What should I say after something like that? Ee thanks, my parents chose it. Lame.

Fortunately Izzy decided to spare me the embarrassment. „In what kind of school classes start from lunch?” Really Iz? Are you gonna complain about it? Of course you’re not, you just had to come up with something stupid to draw attention from me to you. And for that I’m eternally grateful. Surprisingly Isabelle’s idea didn’t work that well because I could still feel Magnus’ eyes on me which was weird considering there is nothing to look at.

„In a cool school.” Catarina said clearly amused. „But don’t worry this happens only on the first day.” Izzy glanced at her disappointed but not surprised. In that moment bell rang which meant I have math in a second. That’s not that bad, I’m quite okay at math. I pulled out my schedule from the bag however I didn’t have a time to examine it because someone decided to pull the piece of paper out of my hand.

This certain someone happened to be Magnus. „Well Alexander we have the first lesson together. Come on darling.” I could just stare at him. Darling?! Is he flirting with me? I don’t think anybody would want to flirt with me. „Alexander? Do you want Mr. Garroway to be mad at us for being late. Come, come darling, get up.” With that I got up trying not to listen to all the giggles around me.

We got to the classroom very quickly, thank to Magnus of course, without him I would get lost in this huge building. I went to the end of the room and sat down. To my surprise he followed me and took a place next to me. My internal considerations about Magnus being a distraction for me to learn anything during a lesson were interrupted by a male voice. In front of the class stood tall, dark-skinned man smiling widely.

„Hello class, I missed you all. I hope you missed me too.” He laughed but it was obvious that students love him and surely missed this man during vacation. „I’ve been informed that we have a new student. Alexander Lightwood show yourself.” He started examining whole room in search of me. So it’s time to get my shit together and raise my hand. I hate when everybody is looking at me.

„Um, hello.” He smiled at me. Again. Damn, this man never stops smiling. „It’s Alec.” I don’t really like when somebody calls me Alexander. My parents used to call me by my full name when they were mad at me. But when Magnus called me that I felt somehow special, I’m not sure why but I think I'll let him do that again.

„Okay Alec would you mind if I asked you some math questions? I like to adjust the level of teaching to my students.” With that I stood up and followed him to the board. I answered all his questions. My therapist told me to focus my thoughts on something else rather than dying so school and learning it is. „Turns out we have the new best student in our class, hell , in our school even. Good job Alec.”

Magnus’ POV

Holy crap this boy is full of surprises. Who the hell knows answers for such difficult questions? Well obviously not me. I don’t know what is happening to me but I’m totally crushing on Alexander Lightwood. He looks like a literal angel with those piercing blue eyes and black messy hair. That’s my favorite combination. He’s also very tall, an inch taller than me which doesn’t happen a lot. His taste in clothing isn’t the best but that doesn’t bother me. I’m stylish enough for both of us. And the blushing? Absolutely adorable. However I’m not sure if it’s because of me or his snow white pale skin. I’m telling myself it's because of me. If it wasn’t for bell, this damn bell, I would be staring at Alexander forever. This boy is clearly tensed but I hope he’d let me in.

Right now I’m running through the school corridors to find my friends. I’m a perfect example of an extravert, I have to tell them about my fascination with a blue-eyed boy before I explode. Something is telling me he is very closeted but I’m gonna open him even if it will take me a lot of time.

„I’m gonna take a wild guess and say you want to tell about your feelings for a certain tall boy.” My best friend Cat knows me better than everyone else even myself. „I see you’re finally over Camille.” Ugh, Camille. My poor friends had to listen about that cheating devil for three whole months. In a moment I noticed Alexander I knew I am definitely over her.

„Well, my lovely Catarina I cannot argue with that.” I sighed. „Do you believe in love at the first sight?” I just heard Raphael snorted but I was serious

„Oh Magnus, you’re in deep.” This time Tessa laughed at me and again I couldn’t disagree.

After little roast on my vulnerable heart we bid our goodbyes and they left the school. I had to take something from my locker first. To my bad luck next to my locker stood blonde girl, my ex-girlfriend. Last year when we were together we insisted to have lockers next to each other. Now it’s biting me in the ass. I don’t say it often but I wished I didn’t wear so much glitter, maybe she wouldn’t notice me. Who am I kidding this girl sees, hears and knows whatever she chooses to.

„Hello there sweetie.” That was an ‚innocent’ version of Camille. She knows very well how I hate when she calls me that with this sweet tone. She knows I hate it when she just talks to me no matter what she's saying.

„Don’t call me that Camille!” I was about to get angry and shout at her but I caught the sight of my angel. Immediately I calmed down and completely zoned out from a ‚conversation’ with Camille. I started admiring Alexander, the way he laughs and smiles could end wars. He looks at his siblings with pure love and affection, it would be nice to be looked at like this by him some day. When he ducks his head some strands of his hair fall into his eyes. When he's nervous or uncomfortable he scratches back of his neck, he does it quite often. My former girlfriend noticed I’m not listening to the crap she’s telling me and clearly got pissed. She closed her locker with so much strength that I jumped from surprise. Yet my eyes never left Alexander and what I saw next got me worried.

He tensed even more than normally and closed his eyes so tight and, wait is he shaking? Yes, he’s definitely shaking. His sister Isabelle looked around panicked, grabbed Alec’s hand and took him out of the school. I have no freaking idea what just happened but I made myself a mental note to find out and help my angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally Magnus' POV and what the heck is happening to Alec? Don't worry you're gonna find out at some point. I'm just not a fan of rushed things (says the girl who literally wrote about love at first sight in this very chapter).
> 
> In case you're confused with characters' appearances I love the book and show mixture.
> 
> See you in the next chapter, take care xx


	4. Moment of happiness and aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING - SELF HARM 
> 
> This chapter contains a triggering subjects such as self harming (cutting) and minor panic attack.
> 
> If you think the content may be upsetting for you DO NOT READ.
> 
> It's placed in the end of Alec's POV.
> 
> Also this chapter seems very long but it's mostly dialogue this time.

**TW: self harm**

Alec’s POV

The last two weeks were acceptable. I’ve been talking with Magnus a lot, well he’s been talking and I've been blushing. A lot. He insisted to sit with me in every class we have together. I’m not really sure why.

Jace got into football team and asked Clary out, it was about time. From what I’ve heard date went very well so it’s only matter of time when those two become a thing. Izzy also didn't waste any time, she’s a new captain of the cheerleader team, I’m not surprised, she’s very talented, flexible and bossy. When it comes to me everything has been pretty well except for the locker incident. I freaked out because _it_ fucked me up and I almost got a panic attack. If it wasn’t for my sister I don’t know how this would’ve ended. Izzy’s used to my panic attacks, she’s the one who knows best how to help me get through them but I knew it scared her. Right now my parents are packing their bags for a weekend business trip. If you could call going from one end of New York to another a trip. But New York is a big city. They haven’t closed every cases from previous work place yet, they are lawyers. Once I wanted to be one myself.

„Kids! Come here.” My dad smirked, he knows Isabelle and Jace don’t like being called kids, I don’t mind. „We’ll be back in two days so behave yourselves, don’t throw a too big party. We want to find the house in the same condition.” I don’t even know why he’s telling us this, everyone knows we won’t throw a party because I live in this house. And nobody wants to upset me because I’m a freaking piece of glass you cannot break. And for the parties - I hate them. Too many people, too loud and too dark.

„Isabelle don’t burn the kitchen and Jace don’t break all the windows, just try to be as responsible as Alec.” Mom teased, at least she knows what to say. „And look out for each other.” She exchanged a look with my siblings. That’s the subtle ‚make sure Alec won’t kill himself’ and we all know it.

„Bye kids we love you!” Great, goodbye overprotective parents, hello overprotective siblings. I was kind of lost in my thoughts as usual when Izzy’s voice snapped me out.

„They will be there in an hour!” She squeaked. I gave her a bewildered look. „I invited Simon with Clary, Magnus and others.” WHAT? That was it for a quiet weekend.

„Why would you do that?”

„Well, I like Simon, Jace likes Clary… and you like Magnus.” I froze.

„Wha-?”

„Oh stop it Alec! We all see how you look at him.” My siblings are the only ones who know I’m gay. I’m still shocked they noticed though. „But have you seen how he looks at you?! I’m pretty positive he’s in love with you already.” I just scoffed. Sure Izzy because someone like Magnus would fall in love with someone like me.

I guess I just have to survive this day somehow. We placed some snacks and drinks on the table and picked out movies. Jace left for a football practice, he will join us later. I changed from sweatpants and t-shirt into some black skinny jeans and my favorite black LANY ‚ILYSB’ hoodie, I love the band. In fact I wear a lot of musicians’ merch, music helps me get through. Now all that’s left is to wait. As if on cue, the bell rang. Shit. Okay here we go. You can do this Alec. I heard a lot ‚hellos’, would it be rude to hide in my room.

„Hi.” Wow Alec, that was very loud, I’m shocked they heard it. Crap, they have bags and blankets in their arms, great they’re staying the night. Too hard to mention it Iz? After a minute of small talk we moved to the living room and sat on a couch. I made sure to sit as far from Magnus as possible. It was kinda awkward but sitting next to him would be even more problematic. I didn’t forget to cast Simon a glare when he sat too close to my sister. As I said I’m very protective and have a big brother mode on all the time.

„Where’s Jace?” I didn’t catch who said it, probably Clary. Duh.

„Football practice, he’ll be there in half an hour.”

„Wow, your house is huge, almost like a hotel.” Said Ragnor in awe. That’s true our house is ridiculously big but my parents insisted on buying it.

„You want a tour before movies? By his time Jace should be back.” Everyone was very keen on doing it. I must agree that our home is for sure something. My mom has an exquisite taste in home decorations, it’s cozy, welcoming but also fancy. Izzy started a tour showing all the rooms, fortunately avoiding mine. She also told some funny stories from the time we were moving in.

Once we reached a room I haven’t been in even for once since we moved here I stopped dead. In the middle of a small room was piano. My piano. The only thing in this area. Instrument I used to play every single day for the last ten years of my life. And now I’m standing here too terrified to even look at it. I haven’t played since _it_.

„Whose is it?”

„Alec’s.” Thank you very much Izzy. „He sings too.” Great sister, you really want me to hate you.

„You have to show us something!” I shook my head. No. No way. I haven’t played for six months and it’s gonna stay like this.

„Please!”

„Alec we are begging you.”

„Come on.”

„Alexander you wouldn’t won’t to rob us from this delightful experience.” After Magnus spoke up I snapped my head and looked at Izzy.

„Don’t be cry baby big brother.”

„I.. I don’t think I remember a-anything.” I stuttered. Fucking stutter.

„Of course you remember something Alec, now sit your ass down and play us something” She thinks it’s good for me to come out from my comfort zone but she’s mistaken. However I do what I’ve been told.

Moment I sat in front of the piano I felt like home, like a comeback after years of being lonely. I felt _him_ next to me and it didn’t cause me pain but gave me strength. Unfortunately not enough for my hands not to shake like crazy. I sighed dramatically not sure if my voice won’t break. Okay right,there’s nothing else for me to do than to play and sing. I just have to get it over with.

Okay I’m doing it.

Great I already fucked up, maybe I should’ve put out those music sheets.

„Shit.” Oops that supposed to stay in my mind.

„It’s okay big brother, you can do this.” I’m so grateful for my baby sister. She can calm me down as quick as she can piss me off. I let out a breath I didn’t even notice I’ve been holding and started playing. This time for real.

_I fell by the wayside like everyone else_

_I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself_

Okay it isn’t that bad.

_When you hurt under the surface_

_Like troubled water running cold_

_Well, time can heal, but this won't_

Actually it feels amazing to sing again.

_So, before you go_

_Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?_

_If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather_

_So, before you go_

_Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?_

_It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless_

_So, before you go_

When chorus dropped I completely drowned into music. I let notes guide me. I closed my eyes and kept singing with more passion with every other word of a song.

_So, before you go…_

Moment I finished it hit me. I just sang. I immediately forgot how to breathe. So I did the only thing I’m good at and ran away. On a way I heard Izzy’s scared whisper.

„Don’t do anything stupid.” Ha.

When I reached my room I was already hyperventilating. My head was literally spinning and I couldn't think straight. It’s like everything is brighter but I can’t see anything, like everything is louder but I can’t hear anything, like I’m much more sensitive but can’t feel anything, like I’m exhausted but can’t fall asleep. My panic attacks are like feeling everything and nothing at the same time. But before my sight could become blurry and full-blown panic attack hit me I grabbed my razor blade. I’m too dazed to care where to cut so I just roll up my sleeves.

One cut for a guilt.

Second cut for betraying _him_.

Third cut for making a fool of myself in front of others.

Fourth cut for thinking about Magnus all the time. He doesn’t need my crap.

I ended with eleven cuts. Some deeper and longer than others.

That is my way of being in control. That is my escape. The pain is what I deserve, it’s what I need. I can’t think otherwise even if everyone in my life are telling me the opposite. It should be me not _him_.

With that thought on my mind I fell asleep on a floor surrounded by my own blood.

Magnus’ POV

Wow.

I am dumbstruck. It doesn’t happen a lot, it doesn’t happen at all.

Can a boy with an angelic face and angelic voice even exist? He truly touched my soul with that song. The passion in his ocean eyes and how they lit up from excitement and joy. The instant confidence when he started singing, that was the real Alec. I’ve always had a feeling that nowadays music exist to make money and fame. I was extremely mistaken. Alexander Lightwood has a gift to move people’s hearts.

That is why I don’t understand why he didn’t want to reveal his enormous talent. What concerns me even more is how fast he made himself scarce. His eyes were no longer filled with satisfaction but fear and panic. Maybe he has a huge stage fright. But I suppose there’s more than that.

„Hey people!” This muffled scream must belong to Jace. „Whoa! What happened here? Is someone dead?” I couldn’t blame him for his bewilderment. Half of us have tears in eyes and Isabelle looks like she can’t decide to start sobbing or jumping from happiness.

„No it’s just… Alexander… He sang… and played.” I couldn’t find the words. That was an understatement. Alec gave us quite a performance.

Now it was Jace’s turn to get shocked. „Alec? As my brother Alec?! Played a piano? And sang?” I’m pretty sure his brother would know about his skills so what is that about?

„Yes!” Raphael said in awe. And it’s extremely difficult to put him in this state.

„WHAT? He hasn’t played since…” Isabelle elbowed her brother in the ribs. The Lightwoods siblings are clearly hiding something. We all gave them questioning stare.

„It’s just very big for Alec. It’s true he hasn’t played for a very long time so that’s a huge step.”

„Why?”

„It’s not ours to tell, just please don’t make him uncomfortable.” She smiled sadly. „If he decides to join us.”

It hasn’t cleared my thoughts at all but I decided to leave it for now. We moved to the living room, although I couldn’t focus on whatever movie was on. I kept thinking about a particular boy and his outstanding performance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "Before You Go" by Lewis Capaldi. Alec's voice and singing style is based on Denis Kalynovskyi's videos and voice. Check his YouTube and Spotify, he's phenomenal. https://youtu.be/WUoCGl7ecXM
> 
> Alec's thoughts and experiences are based on my own. I'm writing this ff as an acceptance for my own mental issues. In case you ask I'm fine and getting better.
> 
> If you notice that the content of this chapter is affecting you in a wrong way do not continue to read this ff. If you're feeling bad mentally reach out for help. It's always okay to ask for help. If you don't have funds for this or any reliable people around you I'm here to listen and help as good as I'm able to. Don't feel afraid or ashamed to text me.
> 
> Take care of yourself and see you in the next chapter. xx


	5. Unplanned performance

Magnus’ POV

Morning at the Lightwoods’ house was one of the weirdest in my life. I heard Isabelle arguing with Alec at very early hour. Not sure what that was about but at the breakfast she looked like she’s been crying. Jace on the other hand was very peevish. However my biggest concern was Alexander. He looked very miserable in clothes from the previous day and sick pale complexion. I thought he went to sleep right after his singing outburst although he looked, no he WAS exhausted. He came down just to make us pancakes, which were divinely delicious by the way, apparently Izzy’s talented enough to burn down the kitchen by boiling water. The eldest Lightwood didn’t eat any, just excused himself right after cooking.

„I’m telling you mom he totally freaked out and I have no idea why!”

„Baby you can’t demand a boy you met three weeks ago to tell you his deepest secrets.” My mother is truly wise and a very sweet woman.

„I know, I know. I just haven’t seen that much fear in anybody’s eyes over something that trivial.” Sometimes I’m not able to draw the line between curiosity and irritation.

„You care about that boy.” You know that saying that mother knows her child better than anyone in the world? That definitely apply to my mom even if I’m adopted.

„Of course I care. He seems so pure and selfless. The way he looks at his sibling like he wants to protect them from anything evil and hurtful in this world.” Vision of my angel appeared in my mind. Regardless his generous and loving nature he also needs his own guardian angel. And I’m willing to become one.

„Now I see it’s something more than caring.” I smiled at her not able to deny it.

We ate breakfast and I left to school hoping to bump into blue-eyed man.

Despite my hopes fate wasn't eager to help me. Sadly we don’t have any classes together at Monday. That didn’t stop me, I feel like I checked every inch of this damn school. Okay maybe not damned. I’m not a big fun of this institution but I also don’t hate it.

Alec’s POV

Ever since my parent found out about the cuts it’s been a hell in home. They signed me up for the therapy. I’ve been attending this shit back home. School is kind of an escape for me now. Fact that isn’t helping is the amount of people here, I swear there’s no quiet place. Am I asking for too much? Magnus has been texting me whole weekend but I’m not strong enough to face him.

At the moment I’m strolling through school corridors and I don’t seem to have any control over my legs. They carry me by themselves. Turns out they found their way to the music room.

I sat down at the piano. Nothing. My efforts ended on three minutes one-key show. I’d keep going if female voice didn’t snap me out of my misery.

„Hey.” I turned around and well, didn’t really expect that.

„Um… hello Ms. Fairchild.” My eyes widdened of sudden realization. It’s the middle of classes. My pointless piano playing must have taken much longer then three minutes. I stood up ready to run. „I am so so sorry Ms. Fairchild, that won’t happen again.” To be honest I am terrified, I mean THE principal caught me on playing truant.

„Don’t be silly Alec it’s already almost the end of classes.” WHAT? „Sit down you look terrible.” She’s not angry at me but sympathetic. I like her, she’s straightforward. „Hard day?”

„More like a hard week.” I don’t know why but I have a feeling that I can trust this woman and open up.

„Wanna talk about it?”

„I wouldn’t even know where to start.” It’s not a lie.

„I suggest the beginning.” We both laughed.

„It’s just I feel like everyone expect me to be someone I’m not. They can’t accept the fact that not everyone is talking, laughing and smiling all the time. And you know what? I hate being the disappointment.” She listens very carefully and doesn’t seem amused. That’s a nice feeling. I sense I can’t tell her more and don’t be humiliated. „Sometimes I wish I was more like my siblings. Don’t get me wrong I love them more than anyone and I’m not jealous. But it just takes a one look at them to instantly love them.”

„Why being someone else than yourself Alec? That’s what makes you special. I’m not sure what’s going on with you Alec and I won’t to lie to you. I see that you’re feeling down. But I also won’t force you to tell me everything.” I nod. „I’m gonna tell you who I see sitting in front of me okay? Nod again. „I see compassionate, intelligent, handsome young man who would do anything to protect those he loves. You know students may think that teachers don’t care about you kids but I do and all I said was an act of complete honesty.” I’m taken aback and to my surprise I believe that she meant what she said.

There’s been some minutes of silence, just absorbing what has been said.

„Clary told me you sing and play.” Ugh. „Pretty great I might add.” I sighed. „You know when I feel sad, angry, pessimistic I paint. You and me, we are artists. That’s our way to express our deepest emotions. You are not like Isabelle and Jace because you are an artist. I recommend for you to express these emotions in the best way you know, here and now.” No wonder from where Clary got her empathy and kindness.

„I’m not sure, I haven’t done it in a while.”

„It wouldn’t hurt to try.” She smiled.

I took my time and began to play. She hasn’t left and to be honest I am glad. I know I can fell safe around Clary’s mom.

_I tried to talk to my piano_

_I tried to talk to my guitar_

I, on the contrary turn my back on my instrument.

_I tried and tried and tried some more_

_Told secrets 'til my voice was sore_

_Tired of empty conversation_

_'Cause no one hears me anymore_

That’s true, at first I wanted to get better. So badly.

_A hundred million stories_

_And a hundred million songs_

_I feel stupid when I sing_

_Nobody's listening to me_

_Nobody's listening_

I chose this song because I can relate to the words. Express your feelings Ms. Fairchild said.

_Anyone, please send me anyone_

_Lord, is there anyone?_

_I need someone, oh_

_Anyone, please send me anyone_

_Lord, is there anyone?_

_I need someone_

I felt wetness on my cheeks. Great I’m crying in front of my teacher. Although I couldn't care less. I haven’t felt this… free since _it_.

_I talk to shooting stars_

_But they always get it wrong_

_I feel stupid when I pray_

_Why the fuck am I praying anyway?_

_If nobody's listening_

I hope cursing doesn't offend her. But again I couldn’t care less. I just want to scream my emotions out.

_Anyone, please send me anyone_

_Oh, Lord, is there anyone?_

_I need someone_

_Oh, anyone, I need anyone_

_Oh, anyone, I need someone_

It is working.

_A hundred million stories_

_And a hundred million songs_

_I feel stupid when I sing_

_Nobody's listening to me_

_Nobody's listening_

I finished with smaller but fulfilled voice.

Suddenly I heard intimidating applause. I turned my head very slowly just to see literally the whole freaking school mesmerized and in tears standing in the doorway.

Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: "Anyone" by Demi Lovato  
> reminder: watch Denis Kalytovskyi's YouTube video to find out how Alec sings - https://youtu.be/TM2RxlMWD0U
> 
> Honestly I really like the way I wrote Jocelyn bc she's really annoying both in books and show (just my opinion ofc).
> 
> PS. Just wanted to ask you if you prefer more dialogues or maybe more descriptions?


	6. Appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!
> 
> I hope you're having a great day!

Alec’s POV

Today I am not going to school. For one reason I’m thankful for that, for the other one I’m terrified. Let’s start from the beginning. Yesterday something happened. Something I want to forget about. The incident started very harmlessly and then evolved into a nightmare. Okay maybe I’m a little bit exaggerating but don’t blame me, at least half of the student body heard me singing. And for that I’m glad I’ll be absent at school. But couple of days ago also something happened, I relapsed. Alright, that’s not entirely true due to the fact I’ve actually never stopped cutting. What is relevant is that my mother thinks it’s a relapse. Consequences of this act led to my current nightmare. Right now I’m waiting for an appointment with my new therapist and I’d dare a statement that I preferred performing in front of my mates.

„Alec honey, you ready?” No.

„Yes mom.” If I started running would she be able to catch me?

„I know what you’re thinking about.” She does because it happened a few times in the past. „Don’t even.”

There were some seconds of frightening silence. „Alec Lightwood?” Tall man in his fifties smiled at me. I forced myself to nod. „Excellent, come in.”

The office is nice and simple. There are a lot of diplomas, posters and even tiny pride flag on a wall. I guess then that my sexual orientation won’t be a problem. There are also small couch and huge armchair. „Sit wherever you want Alec.” I decided on armchair, it’s gonna make me look smaller I hope. He took out his notebook, I know he has to. „I am dr. Belcourt and I will be your therapist.” This name rang a bell but I chose not to concern myself with it. „For first I need to inform you that everything we’ll talk about here will remain confidential unless I consider some circumstances highly alarming. In those situations I’ll be obliged to inform your guardian in this case your mother. Do you understand Alec?” His smile makes me feel quite safe.

„I understand.” I assume looking at my hands crossed at my lap is a better idea than looking into his eyes. No matter how honest and welcoming they might be.

„Okay so how do you feel about starting with some lighter stuff and if you’re ready we’ll take up more intense issues.”

„It’s okay, I know how it works. You can go straight into the heavy stuff. Just get this over with.” I muttered the last part.

Unfortunately he heard. „Alec I don’t want you to feel that the therapy is some kind of task you have to complete. I am here to help you. It’s already a big step that you decided to try it.”

„Not that I had a choice.” I really don’t want to be rude, it’s just my coping mechanism.

„Do you not think that you may need a therapy?” Oh you got me. I need therapy so badly.

He noticed that I won’t reply but already knew my answer.

„I want to get to know you a little, tell me something about you. What do you like to do in your free time? Maybe something about your friends, siblings?” Damn this smile is some kind of a super power because it makes me want to tell him everything.

„Um.. so I’m almost eighteen… but I guess you already know that. Gosh I’m so stupid.” I lower my head even more. Why do I have to be so awkward?

„You are not stupid Alec. Trust me I know what I’m talking about. Does it mean you’re graduating soon?” Nod again. „Do you know what do you want to do after graduation?”

„Yes… No… Um, it’s complicated.” He looked me with acknowledgement. „There is something but I’m not sure I’ll be able to do this.”

„Do you want to share it with me?”

„No. Not yet.” That would be kind of embarrassing to reveal my dream of becoming a professional singer. He smiled and encouraged me to continue. „So about friends and siblings. I have sister and brother.” And suddenly I’m smiling. „Izzy and Jace, they are amazing. They’re also my best friends. We’ve been inseparable from the very beginning.” Talking about Isabelle and Jace is so easy. „When it comes to friends since _it_ I don’t have many.” Shit I don’t want to talk about _it._ It just slipped out.

„Referring to ‚it’ I think I know what you are talking about.” Of course. „Your mother filled me in.” To my surprise he doesn’t look at me with pity more like sympathy. „Why did you choose to call it ‚it’?”

„It’s easier.” Not enough.

„You know the first step to overcoming trauma and grief is admitting what happened. I won’t force you to anything, although I advise to call ‚it’ by it’s name to be able to fully accept the loss and pass the grief.” But I’m too scared to admit what happened even to myself. And guilt? Eats me up every single day.

„I’ll try.”

„Back to your siblings.” I’m smiling again. „You must love them very much.”

„I do.” I really do, very much. „I have no idea what would I do without them.”

„You also mentioned that you already attended therapy sessions. Can you tell me how did they make you feel?”

„A little better I guess. But I already feel better with you than I did with my previous therapist.” I stopped for a second. „Sorry if that sounded weird.”

„It didn’t. You have a right to not feel comfortable with a therapist. If you feel that we don’t click and our sessions don’t make an improvement I want you to tell me. And don’t feel bad about this it’s normal.”

„I have a good feeling.” I smile with a genuine smile for once.

He returned a grin but right now I can see concern on his face. „Alec your mother told me about that you tend to harm yourself.” I suppose it’s time for some angst. „How do you feel when you have the urge to cut yourself?”

I inhaled deeply. „It depends. Sometimes it’s guilt, sometimes I just want to stay in a control.”

„Stay in a control, what does it mean?”

„To prevent a panic attack.” I suddenly felt very ashamed talking about my weaknesses. And I have a lot of them.

„Do you get them a lot?”

„Usually I survive a week without them but the other times I get them everyday. To be honest I don’t know what I prefer. When I’m panic-free for a whole week it’s coming back with an increased strength but also having panic attacks everyday is exhausting.”

„And when you have panic attacks every day do you also cut every time?” I nod ashamed. „Could you try something for me?”

„What is it?” I don’t know if I’m more curious or scared.

„Every time you feel the panic attack is coming or you want to cut yourself you will call and ask for help your brother or sister. You seem very close and I’m sure they’d be delighted to help.” That’s actually not a bad idea. „We will work on this, I’m gonna find the best way for you and teach you how to deal with them.” He glanced on a clock. „Oh it looks like our session is coming to an end.” Wow that passed fast. „I see your on a medicine your previous doctor prescribed you. I’m not gonna change it just yet, first I want to see how it affects you, okay?”

„Sure.”

„So Alec that would be it, you did great today. See you next week.” He stood up, I followed his actions.

„That actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”

„I am very glad to hear that.”

We bid our goodbyes and me and mom get back home.

„I’m so proud of you sweetheart. You’re gonna get better, I promise.” I know I am, for once since _it_ I actually have hope.

When I came back home Isabelle and Jace were already waiting for me in the living room.

„Hey buddy!” I know what they want to know.

„Everything went fine, doctor is actually pretty nice, I’m going again next week. Now excuse me I’m going to sleep and forget about this whole week.” I blurted out.

„Easy there man!”

„No way big brother, we’re having a movie night. You can even pick a movie!” I know they want to make me feel better after the therapy, they never allow me to pick a movie but that is why I love them so much.

„Nah, you’re choosing.” They both smirked and played some film. I wasn’t really paying attention and zoned out, nevertheless feeling kind of peaceful.

Sound of my phone snapped me out. And what I saw send a shiver through my spine.

**Magnus: Hello Alexander! I’m throwing a party on Friday night and I am not taking no as an answer;) c u there darling!**

„Okay Alec first you’re brooding and now you’re grinning like an idiot. What is it?” Living with Jace means no privacy, not that I have a lot to hide.

„Um… I guess Magnus just invited me to a party.” I’m dazed.

„Yeah, we’re going partying!” I’m sure Izzy already have million ideas for an outfit. And I unusually am looking forward to the party or I should say to see some certain boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magnus you flirting devil!
> 
> I already have an idea for the next fic. It's gonna be written from no one's PoV so I'd try to develop other relationships as well. I don't think I'm gonna start writing it just yet but I can proudly say that I have the concept planned! aaa 
> 
> Take care, see u soon! xx


	7. Brightest star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry you had to wait this long but I had a lot of other duties on my mind.
> 
> Warning: a lot of fluff ahead!

Alec’s POV

„Alec you are literally the biggest fashion disaster I’ve ever seen! You definitely can’t wear… that.” I really don’t get why black jeans and black hoodie are bad option for a party. Izzy herself is wearing all black outfit. Slightly contrasting to mine. Black leather, very skinny pants, her usual black high-heeled boots and kind of transparent, long-sleeved shirt with a fancy lacy bra under. But still! She runs out of my room, I just sigh. How I, a person who hates parties should handle all this?

Izzy comes back with a pile of clothes. „Hmm let’s see.” Oh god here we go. She’s super concentrated right now. „Here you go big brother. Leave these jeans on and match it with those checkerboard vans. ” She picked a baby blue, loose, silky dress shirt. I’m guessing it’s Jace’s that’s why it’s a little bit oversized. Even if I’m taller than him he’s still better built. I changed and I have to admit that from some deep part of my heart I think I look kind of cute. Not immensely handsome like Jace od drop dead gorgeous like Iz but for now kind of cute is enough.

„Oh boy! Someone’s looking handsome!” My dad is smiling at me widely.

„Honey I see my baby boy is all grown up.” I mean it has to be a shock seeing me in some colors but seriously?

„Mom…” I groan. My family took it as a duty to complement me. It’s sweet but in fact that discourages me. I know it’s fake because I am not nor will I ever be handsome or attractive or ravishing or appealing.

„Okay guys so be back before 3 am. I’m gonna wait for you.” We were ready to argue but mom cut us off. „Be careful, as always, don’t drink anything from strangers, don’t do drugs, oh I’m begging you don’t do drugs.” Are we almost adult people or toddlers, I no longer know. „And Alec remember you can’t mix alcohol with your meds.” I just frantically nod my head. After that we go outside to wait for a taxi.

„Jace I swear to god if you don’t get rid of this smitten smile I will do it myself!” I stifled laugh, Izzy doesn't fuck around. „I know that you want to get laid but really you could spare Clary your disrespectful attitude.”

„But it’s not even about getting laid. I can’t really believe I’m saying this but I’m just super excited to see her.” Oh he’s in deep. He used to be a fuckboy but Clary-times came. „And I don’t think is me we should be talking about.” They both looked at me and I don’t know if I’m pale or blushing. „I still can’t believe it was our bro that got us invited, what is more by his boyfriend-to-be.” At this I choked on my own saliva.

„Alec, with us you don’t have pretend. Even if you’re not admitting it we both know see that both sexual and romantic tension between you two.”

„I… Okay there might me something. I just… I just don’t think he’s interested.” I answer honestly.

„Gosh Alec you are either blind or stupid. Magnus calls you darling, stares at you constantly, invites you to a party and this Alexander thing? Even our parents stopped calling you that! So can you please wake up from that denying state of yours!” My sister can be really terrifying.

Our transport arrived so now is even more real. I am going to a party. A party. Me. The only thing that helps me holding on is thinking of Magnus. His caramel skin, amber eyes and muscular arms. Alec stop! And when I stop I’m back with my social anxiety. How I feel all eyes on me all the time, judging my every move. How I can’t move, overpowered by other people’s presence. But I’m gonna bear all of this for Magnus.

Turns out Magnus’ house isn’t that far away. The building isn’t as huge as ours but still big. What catches my attention is a breathtaking garden with a lot of different species of flowers and other plants. There’s also a white gazebo decorated with lights surrounded by some small willow trees. I can’t really say much about the interior due to all the sweaty, dancing and screaming people. A lot, a lot of people. I must have been in daze because I haven't notice when Jace and Isabelle left my side. So I’m all by myself. Great. The heavy music is kind of muffling my anxiety because I can’t even hear my fucking thoughts.

„Hello there pretty boy.” Ugh Camille and her dumb smirk. „What is the lost puppy doing here?” The feeling of hate I feel towards her is an understatement.

„Leave me alone Camille.” I wish my siblings were here with me right now.

„Uhuhu, puppy has sass.” I sigh out loud. Someone save me please!

Magnus’ POV

So I threw a great party, there’s plenty of alcohol, music is great and there are even more guests then there should be. But the fact is than one and only I’ve been waiting for isn’t here yet. I have to believe that he’ll come. Well I didn’t exactly give him a choice and he didn’t responded but who wouldn’t want to come to one of my famous parties right? I already rounded my house about seven times looking for an angel in a human form. At the moment I’m on another round and I guess eighth time’s a charm because I spotted Alexander in a hall. Talking to someone? Camille? What the hell is she doing here?

„Hello there pretty boy.” How dare she? „What is the lost puppy doing here?” You bitch!

„Leave me alone Camille.” Oh can relate.

„Uhuhu, puppy has sass.” She’s smiling cruelly.

I finally reach them. „Yes Alec has sass and you need to move your ass from here.” In other circumstances I would have laughed at the rhyme. „And no one except me has a right to call Alexander ‚pretty boy’” I huffed and stole a glance at Alec who gave me a half smile. „Let’s go darling, the witch here isn’t lightening my mood.” I decided to lead him to the garden gazebo, it can be romantic. I see that Alec isn’t one hundred percent comfortable but I can’t free him just yet. I am so glad that my mom put lights and all the pillows and blankets. This place is a perfect date material. Alexander is also in an awe. We sit a while in a comfortable silence.

„I wasn’t sure If you would come.”

„To be honest I wasn’t sure either.” Ouch, but at least his authentic. „Um… I mean it’s not because of you. Obviously.” He’s beyond adorable. „It’s just not my comfort zone.”

„Yes I guessed that.” An amazing idea popped in my mind. „Alexander how do you feel about a game?” I smiled.

„Um, sure. What kind of game exactly?” The confusion on his face is visible.

„I wanna get to know you better, much better in fact.” I want to know everything about you darling. „We’re gonna ask each other questions, we can start with silly ones.”

„Sounds fun.” Come on Alec give some more of an excitement.

„Let me start. Favorite color? Mine is blue, of course, not like sky or ocean but just like your eyes my dear.” I love making him nervous and blushing.

„Orange. Like sunsets.”

„But you only wear black or gray. I have to admit that this shirt makes your eyes pop. You look stunning.” He let out a laugh, I’m not sure why. „What?”

„That’s exactly something Iz would say. My turn. Any tattoos?” Didn’t see that coming.

„I think I’m not a tattoo kind of guy.” I take some time to think about anything I would put on myself. One second. „O my god. No way. You have one, don’t you?” He smiled with a smile that could literally make me forget about all my worries.

„You got me. I have three actually.” This boy is crazy, I love that. „ I got my first a year ago is a matching one. With Jace. Since we’re not brothers by blood we had to mark our relationship somehow.” He unbuttoned two first buttons of his shirt and exposed the collar area to show me a neat heart symbol. „Don’t judge, it was very spontaneous and we weren’t exactly creative. Jace was a little bit drunk you know?” I can see that even if it’s kind of basic and silly he loves it and I have to admit it makes him even more charming.

„What about the other two? Mind to show me?” I find myself hoping they would be on some more intimate parts of his body.

„Um, maybe some day.” He smiled somehow sadly. „But I promise they’re more original.”

„Alrighty, any second name?” I don’t have one or I simply don’t know about it since I'm adopted.

„Gideon.”

„Alexander Gideon Lightwood.” Hmm. „Sounds greatly.”

„Yeah… it’s after some ancestor of mine.” Minute after minute I want to know more and more about him.

I guess it’s time to dig deeper. „First relationship?” His eyes widened.

„Umm… actually I’ve never been in a relationship.” I can sense his ashamed but there’s no need to. I once again find myself wanting to be his first. But how the hell someone with his looks has never been with someone? I get that his an introvert but I frankly don’t understand.

„How is this possible? I am sure that there’s millions of girls hitting on you and you can’t convince me otherwise.” Mention of girls makes me kind of sad but I can’t force anyone to change their sexuality.

He’s a little bit panicked. „Ee, I mean… It’s not that I was interested in them. Or any girls…” I’m positive my eyes are shining like two huge diamonds. Is this what I think it is?

„Does it mean?”

„Yeah…” I recognize the expression on his face. He doesn’t fully accept himself and I’m willing to support him and boost his confidence.

„I’m delighted to hear that darling.” I mutter. He gave me a questioning look, letting me know we didn't hear what I said. „What I want to say is thank you for trusting me enough with this. I know from my experience that coming out can be a big deal so again thank you. And don’t hesitate with asking for any sort of help.” I give him a reassuring smile. He returns it.

After that we speak for other two hours. About favorite food, movie, animal, best memories, ideas of a dream world, zodiac signs, inspirations, fears and what we are thankful for. Talking with Alec gives me a sensation of safety and admiration.

My watch just showed the midnight and we both feel silent. I turned to take a look at him meeting his face much closer than I predicted. It is like some powers are bringing us together, a magnetic force making us not wanting to be distant ever again. We locked our eyes together, his shining with a blue hope and desire. I kept peeking at his lips, his very kissable lips, he started doing the same. I leaned closer not resisting to the higher forces. Our lips were inches apart and I decided to give him a choice and time to think if he’s gonna regret it or not. But it was just matter of second until he connected our lips. A shiver ran through my spine, this kiss is different from any other before and I had many. This one is exceptional. I felt his hand intertwining behind my neck and I didn’t even notice that mine are in his soft hair. The kiss is becoming more passionate I push my tongue onto his lower lip which is moving elegantly but fiery. He allowed the entrance immediately. Now our tongues are dancing inside our mouths fighting for dominance, lips sucking and brushing against each other both of us seeking for more. We had to pull apart because of lack of air in our lungs, now the two of us gasping and smiling like idiots, our foreheads touching, leaning against each other.

There’s a few minutes of companionable silence, still in the same position and before I can stop myself I ask „Was it your first kiss?” Not because he seemed inexperienced, in fact he’s the best kisser I’ve ever share a kiss with. But because I hoped for it. I wanted to be his first.

„No, but it was the first real kiss.” He looks at me with so many emotions. „Kiss when I actually felt something.” And suddenly the idea of this angel kissing someone else in the past doesn’t bother me that much. „Actually not something but everything.” I couldn’t be more ecstatic.

„Come on.” I took his hand and a blanket and lead him outside. I spread the blanket on the grass and imply for him to lay next to me. „Can I have one more question?” He nods. „Would you do me the honor and go on a date with me?” He seems surprised. Seriously Alexander, we just kissed. „Tomorrow.” I end boldly.

„I would, absolutely! But tomorrow?”

„Why wait any day longer Alexander?” We lay back and look at the stars, our hands intertwined. „You know, the sky is full of stars and yet you are the brightest one.”

„Gee Magnus, that was sappy.” He says fondly. Yeah it was. We laugh.

We spent the rest of the party cuddling and enjoying our presence. And who knows maybe me and Alexander might have a future as bright at those starts on the sky upon us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay Malec kiss finally, took me long enough.
> 
> See you next time, hopefully asap!!xx
> 
> Take care sweeties


	8. Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this chapter took me so long but there's not really a lot of plot goin on right now. and I feel like im much better with some decent plot. sooo next chapter should be easier:) also sorry that this one is a little bit shorter.
> 
> anyways hope you like it!!
> 
> edit: omg 1k hits, imma cry<3 thank you

Alec’s POV

I’m on a date with Magnus Bane. Date. With Magnus Bane! Is this even my life? If yesterday someone told me about this I would laugh out loud. And yet this is happening. I have a feeling that everything is going a little bit too fast and at the same time nothing has felt this right since _it_. And that kiss. Oh my… I’m pretty sure I played this cool but I’m not entirely positive because my mind is still drunken by it. There are no words for the connection I felt at that moment. The electricity that ran through my body. The weakness in my knees. How all the worries in the world were forgotten. Like I knew Magnus’ lips and touch like the back of a hand even though I’ve never tasted them before. Sweet and passionate lips.

„Alexander as much as like I admiring your brooding self I also really love listening to your voice. Penny for your thoughts?” Magnus snapped me out.

I must’ve been out for quite some time because our orders arrived, I don’t even know when. „Oh god, I am so sorry Magnus did I zoned out again?” It’s not that Magnus isn’t interesting it’s actually the opposite. I still can’t process that a boy like him took a notice on me.

He laughs. „Yes my dear, but that’s alright you’re even prettier while thinking.” I can feel my cheeks and ears get hotter. „But it would be a waste of an excellent pasta in front of you if you continued this till the end of our date.” I really don’t want this to end. Ever.

„I guess you’re right.” I give him a smile. A genuine one. „So you were saying, your mom’s name is Evelyn right? Tell me about her you look like you really love her very much.”

„I absolutely do! She’s kind of my best friend. She literally saved my life or I should say gave me one.”

„What do you mean?”

„She adopted me. After my biological mother died my excuse of a father left me in an orphanage.” How should I react to that not knowing if this topic upsets him or not. Seriously there should be some course how to co-exist with other people. I’d pay any money for it.

„Oh, I’m sorry. Do you remember them? Your parents I mean.”

„No need to be sorry it's for the best. I can’t imagine having better mother than her.” I can see the love in his eyes.

„I totally get it, as I told you yesterday I feel that Jace is even closer than blood to me.”

„That’s exactly what I’m talking about. And no I don’t remember them, I was like six months when mom took me in. However I did try find my father.” He sighed. „Turns out he has a new family he didn’t throw away. And no pity party for me.” He pointed his finger at me. „I’m happy how things turned out.” Again that smile that makes my legs feel like jello.

„I wasn’t going to, I just want you to know that’s his lost. Big one.” We stared into each other eyes for a while before he cleared his throat.

„Alexander I wanted to apologize for Camille the other day at the party.” He looks embarrassed.

„She doesn’t seem nice but that’s not your fault Magnus.” I’m confused.

„Um, it… it kinda is.” Magnus Bane stuttering that’s something new. I gave him a questioning look „She’s my exgirlfriend.” Oh. „Yeah, I broke up with her and for the record, I had a pretty great reason, she cheated on me.” I feel blood boiling in my veins. How could she? „And now she’s taking revenge on everyone I like.”

„I was right she doesn’t seem nice, she sounds like a bitch.” We laugh. „But don’t worry I’ve been friends with two difficult exes of each other for quite long.” For some reason talking about my past isn’t that scary with Magnus.

„Oh please tell me about them I don’t wanna think about Camille.”He made a sound, mix of frustration and laughter.

„They were my basketball buddies. Maia and Jordan. They were completely annoying with their on and off relationship. But I still liked them.” I laugh at the memory. „They were funny.”

Magnus quirked eyebrow. „Basketball? Is there something you can’t do?”

„Oh no, no, no. You get me wrong. I suck at basketball. Sport isn’t really my best friend.” After that we talked for one more hour, Magnus as a gentleman he is paid for our dinner and we got into his car.

„Um, Magnus?” He turned his head. „Do you have some more time I want to show you some place?” I don’t know where this sudden courage came from. „If you want of course.”

„For you Alexander I have all the time in the world.” Magnus is king of flirting and sappiness.

We rode about twenty minutes in a comfortable silence, couple of times interrupted by my directions. It’s not too early and not too late, signs of sunset visible around us. Magnus parked the car and we got out.

„Wow.” I had the same reaction the first time I saw this place. „Where are we?”

„It’s called Lake Lynn.” It’s not really a lake more like a fish pond because it’s small. There are rocks and all kinds of plants surrounding the crystal clear water. At this time in a day the surface reflects orange light from the sky. „I go here sometimes when I need to think or be alone or just relax.”

„Alec, this is beautiful.” He took my hand in his and interlocked our fingers. „Look I know that we don’t know each other for very long. It’s been two months but I feel like it was two lifetimes because that's how good and comfortable I feel with you around.” No one ever outside of my family told me such a beautiful words. „Alexander I'm just gonna go straight to it. Do you want to be my boyfriend?” He looked at me with those amber eyes shining with hope and affection.

I’m speechless, I’ve never been anyone’s boyfriend. „I would love nothing more than becoming your boyfriend.” With that he stood on his tiptoes, closed the distance between us and put his lips against mine. His hands on my back urgently pulling me closer. In a way that made my heart sing. Kissing the most beautiful boy surrounded by breathtaking nature makes me want to sing.

After some minutes we got back to the car as boyfriends. Boyfriends. And spend the rest of the day driving around the city and singing all the songs that were on the radio till midnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you soon!! I hope I'm gonna have more inspiration and finish it sooner.
> 
> Take care xx


	9. Failed revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so much fun writing this chapter so I hope you're gonna have just as much reading it.

Magnus’ POV

This week is very important for everybody who is connected to our school. Its 60th anniversary of the foundation of Alicante High School. It sounds weird that it’s actually meaningful for students but this place is kind of our second home. Thanks to Ms. Fairchild it’s become a real safe space full of amazing people, with some exceptions obviously. The whole week is full of joy events but tomorrow is the most significant. That’s when some important people will make speeches, some of my peers will dance and sing. The day is classes-free and it’s so much fun. I can’t wait for Alec to experience it. Ahh Alexander. The vision of my angel appeared in my mind. I sighed.

„I swear Magnus since your in love you’re even more annoying. And I thought that’s not possible.” Raphael my dear friend. Wait did he say the l word. He definitely did because Cat punched him in a shoulder.

„What?! I am not in love.” I don’t know what’s happening but I’m pretty sure that I’m blushing. And Magnus Bane does not blush. I’m leaving this to my adorable boyfriend. Two weeks has passed and I still can’t believe I was lucky enough to have him by my side.

„Cut the crap Magnus, you are so in love but you don’t want admit it just yet and as much as I’d want to help you we don’t have time right now.” Cat is right. As a student council president she has to tie up loose ends before tomorrow event. Like performances schedule or final guest list. Me and my friends declared ourselves to help her but knowing Cat she just wanted us to keep her company because there’s no chances she’d let our irresponsible asses to school’s matters. „Oh shit.”

„What is it?” Ragnor and Tessa seem to snap out from her whining about Will and Jem.

„You’re not gonna believe this.” We all gave her challenging looks. „I just got an email. Camille wants to sing tomorrow.” She huffed

„What the fuck?”

„You’re kidding.”

They noticed my silence. „Magnus does she even know how to sing?”

„My dear Catarina, I have no fucking idea.” Seriously I’m trying to remember moments when she might have told me about singing but nothing’s coming to my brain,

„It’s kind of suspicious but I can’t say no just because I don’t like a bitch.” I smiled at her devotion to her friends, this time moi. When on of our group doesn’t like someone then everyone else does not too. „At least the hole between George and Helen is patched. And that means I finished so Magnus you can finally spill the tea.”

Tessa joined her. „Yeah totally we want to know everything about Malec!” The rest laughed.

„Okay so- wait what? Malec?”

„Magnus plus Alec. Duh.” Raphael I didn’t know you had it in you.

I smiled amused then sighed dreamily. „Alexander is… he’s just perfect you know.” They exchanged smiles. „He is sweet, gentle, respectful, smart as hell and have you seen him? He’s a walking god.”

Ragnor seems entertained by my confession „Shit Magnus you really are in love. You haven’t talked about anyone like that, even Camille.”

„Totally. So have you guys taken things to another level?” I shook my head which caused a lot of „WHATs”.

„It feels different this time, like it’s not just about sex. Like it was with Camille. Of course I would love do this with him but I’m guessing it’d be his first time so I don’t want to force him to anything you know.” Plus he doesn’t seem very confident about his body which I completely ridiculous because he is gorgeous. „So I’m willing to wait as long as he want to wait.”

„He’s good for you and it’s obvious that you care a lot and respect him. We’re proud of you.” I love my friends to the moon and back. Suddenly question popped in my head.

„By the way, what song did she choose?”

„Well since the theme is history of cinematography I could only accept „No Time To Die”. Oh that reminded me that I have to text musical equipment guys to prepare melody for her. Ugh.”

„Whoa.” They glanced at me. „I mean that’s a very difficult song even for someone who can sing.”

„Yeah, I suppose you’re right but don’t even scare me that she can’t sing!”

Alec’s POV

„Are you serious Alec?” Jace whined.

„I told you. Magnus sits next to me.” The day of big celebration finally came. Magnus told me bunch of great stories from previous years. Now he’s helping Catarina with organization a little bit. I had to hold a seat for him and save it from Jace. The assembly hall is huge so he can sit somewhere else.

„Let the lovebirds be Jace.” Izzy told me that she ships us and whatever that means I guess she’s on my side with this.

„Fine.” He grumbled.

And here he is, my stunning boyfriend. „Hello darling.” He sat next to me and quickly pecked my cheek. I’m still not out in school. Fortunately parents sit far behind us. Turns out they are all invited. I peeked over my shoulder toward them. I wish some day I’d be brave enough to hold his hand in front of everyone. „Oh it’s starting.”

„Welcome dear guests! It is my honour to open today’s event. Enjoy yourself and let the celebration begin!” Ms. Fairchild said with a huge smile on her face. I can’t hide it, I’m kind fo excited.

Some of my schoolmates were dancing, we’ve seen some acting performances. There were a lot of ‚thank yous’ and funny stories. Now it’s the time for Catarina to announce a final one.

„And for the final act welcome Camille with a song she prepared.” She fakes smile very well. Oh she doesn’t like this girl at all. Nevertheless Camille got massive applause. She’s not exactly very nice but still popular. She walked on stage wearing tight, long-sleeved, knee-length, light pink dress. She is beautiful, I have to give her that. Her blonde hair is twisted into two braids which makes her look very innocent.

„Hello hello my friends… and others. I am awfully sorry to confess that I cannot give you performance you deserve today. The sickness caught me off the guard and my throat is sore.” The whole audience gasped, Cat was on verge of panic attack. „But don’t you worry, I found perfect replacement. Please welcome Alec Lightwood to perform my song.” What the fucking fuck?! No, no, no, no, this can’t be happening. I thought situations like this only happens in movies. The applause increased, some people even started shouting my name. Holy shit.

„Oh god, Alexander? You still alive?” In different position I’d have laughed at Magnus' comment but right now my sight's becoming blurry from panic.

„Brother I think you should go there and show them what you’re made of.” Isabelle it’s not the time for a pep talk.

„Yeah, I agree, you don’t even have a big of a choice because these people won’t let you leave.” You’re not helpful Jace.

„I- I can’t do this.” I breathed out.

„Nonsense Alexander, you have the most beautiful voice in the world. Trust me.” I trust you

„O-okay.” I stood up slowly. I’m terrified.

„Alec honey where are you?” Camille you cunning creature. „Oh there you are.” Thank God or rather Izzy to force me to wear a white buttoned up shirt so I'm presentable enough for a school event. „Come, come. Don’t be shy.” I don’t know if I’m more stressed or angry at Camille. I reached the stage and she shoved the music sheets into my arms. „Here. Let’s see if you’re still that smart singer boy. Don’t think you can steal Magnus from me without any consequences.” She whispered and threw me a death glare and then grinned at the audience as like she didn’t do everything on purpose.

But I guess it’s ride or die now. I moved toward piano and looked at the sheets. „No Time To Die”?! Amazing, this song is challenging as hell. It’s difficult for girls and even more for boys. Okay that came out wrong because fuck gender roles but the melody was written for a high voice in most cases female voice. Also the whole freaking school watching doesn’t help at all. But the fact that Camille is Magnus’ ex motivates me oh so much. I thought that there will be music played from the speakers and I’ll just have to sing but here I am sitting at piano. Okay it’s now or never.

I started playing, trying to mute all the whistles and claps. I succeeded.

_I should've known_

_I'd leave alone_

They seem to like it.

_Was I stupid to love you?_

_Was I reckless to help?_

_Was it obvious to everybody else_

I keep going, slowly surrendering myself to music.

_That I'd fallen for a lie?_

_You were never on my side_

_Fool me once, fool me twice_

_Are you death or paradise?_

With almost every line I’m receiving big applause.

_I let it burn_

_You're no longer my concern_

_Faces from my past return_

_Another lesson yet to learn_

I had not idea how much I missed performing.

_Now you'll never see me cry_

_There's just no time to die_

_No time to die._

I perfectly hit the high note and smirked at the thought of Camille’s face.

I finished softly and turned my eyes to the audience. Everyone was dumbstruck shocked. I have a full conscience of what my voice can do to people but right now I’m just as shocked. I got standing ovations and my mum was full on crying.

Should I thank Camille?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so that was kind of super cliche movie situation but I just couldnt resist.
> 
> song: "No Time To Die" by Billie Eilish  
> check Denis Kalynovskyi's yt video to get my vision on Alec's voice and performance.
> 
> !ATTENTION!  
> I’m looking for a malec fic Mental Hispotal AU. Do you recommend sth?


	10. Story of my life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> Once again I'm serving lots of fluff. And Izzy/Magnus friendship!  
> happy reading!

Alec’s POV

I’ve never thought it would ever come to me being the school’s star. The most weird part is that I kinda like it but all the looks and whispers sometimes can be unbearable. The whole school also knows that Magnus and I are a thing. We couldn’t exactly hold back with holding hands and stealing kisses. That’s silly but I finally feel like a stupid teenager kissing with his other half under the stands. People love us, at first I was very intimidated but with Magnus by my side everything’s easy. My siblings are also very proud of me to be out in school, that means my parents are the only ones left but that’s the problem for another day. As much as I like this momentary fame I still am socially anxious and quiet kind of guy so I decided to hide in a music room till Magnus finishes his classes. Fortunately it’s Friday so no school for the next two days.

„I thought I’d find you here.”

A little bit startled I turned my head. „Hello Ms. Fairchild.”

„I wanted to talk to you about something.” I nod to let her know that I’m listening. „You see, most of the students already filled their collage applications but still no word from you.” She smiled sympathetically. „Do you know what you wanna do in the future?”

I took my time to consider my options but the truth is I’ve known this since I could remember. „I do but it’s stupid.” I ducked my head to avoid her eyes.

„Alec, I’m sure it’s not.”

I sighed. I guess I told her more awkward stuff. „Since I was a kid I’ve always known I want to do music. For the rest of my life. Forever.”

She smirked. „Let me guess. Julliard?”

I chuckled. „Yeah… not that I have any chances.” I shook my head. Hopeless gesture.

„Alexander Gideon Lightwood!” Drop of fear that ran through my body disappeared after seeing her reassuring eyes. „It’s breaking my artistic heart to watch you not believing in yourself. I know it takes time to gain confidence about what you’re doing and what you want to. It has to come from your heart and brain but maybe sometimes it’s good to trust others especially those who loves you."

„What are you saying?”

„I hear what people say about you and your two last performances, I see how they look at you with hope in their eyes to hear your voice again. Alec they are hypnotize by your talent. Not many people can achieve that.”

„You really mean that? I thought it was something like school gossip and people will forget about it next week.”

„I really mean that. Look Alec I didn’t want to sound forceful, I just don’t want your immense potential go to waste.” I smiled to let her know that she wasn’t forceful, I needed those words. „Just promise me you will reconsider the Julliard thing, auditions are going to start soon.”

„I promise. Thank you.”

„Alexander, you ready?” I didn’t notice when the bell rang informing about end of the day. Since my parents are out tonight we decided to spend the afternoon in my house.

I stood up and turn to Clary’s mom for goodbye. She smiled sweetly at our interlocked hands. „Goodbye boys, have a nice weekend. Alec remember what I told you.” With that she jokingly pointed her finger at me in „headmistress of a school” kind of way.

We left the building not without some warm but nevertheless creepy glances. My home is not that far away so we decided to walk. It was Magnus who started the conversation, knowing his brooding boyfriend who doesn’t really need to talk all the time. I smiled at the thought how well we complete ourselves. „What were you talking about, she sounded serious.”

I don’t want to lie to my boyfriend but I also don’t want to tell him jut yet. At least not before I decide what I’m gonna do. „Um, just stuff you know.” He smiled, silently telling me that if I don’t want to tell no one is forcing me. One thing I admire about him the most is his respect for my privacy. That’s what we for sure agree on, there’s no space for jealousy in our relationship. You don’t have to share everything with your partner to let him know you care about them. We trust each other.

„So… I was thinking. Actually I’ve already decided.” I furrowed my brows in question. „We’re going clubbing!” Now my brows shot up, shock and confusion visible on my face. „Well not exactly clubbing but I’m almost sure there's no word for going to bar.”

„Magnus we’re underage.”

„Today is 18+ and it’s karaoke night.” He started slightly jumping in excitement. „We still can’t buy any alcohol but don’t worry darling I have my ways.”

I snorted. „You, Magnus Bane, are unbelievable.”

„So what will say?” He looked at me with those damn puppy eyes.

„Have I ever said no to you?” I said defeated.

Smirk on his face. „That’s what I thought.”

Magnus’ POV

We arrived at Alec’s bedroom twenty minutes later. We still have a lot of time so following my responsible boyfriend’s lead we decided to do the homework and study a little bit. Not that it’s possible with a hot man sitting next to me. I’m gonna finish it probably Sunday evening but I know that Alec takes school very seriously so it's my job to support him in that. Seriously, everything I’ve been doing for the past two hours was staring at his raven, smooth hair, sharp jawline, strong yet gentle hands, deep blue eyes, full lips and oh that ass.

Loud knock on the door stopped my drooling. Isabelle burst into the room. For the first time I see her without makeup, in black sweats and loose bun on her head. She looks drop dead gorgeous. She turned her gaze onto me. „Magnus, fashion emergency.” Oh how long I haven’t heard those words. Knowing that Izzy and Jace will be joining us today I instantly stood up and rushed to her side receiving questioning look from Alec.

„You’re going out tonight?” He asked his sister.

„Duh.”

„Where?” Alec can be most brilliant student in the class but sometimes he’s completely oblivious.

„I’m going with you, dumbass.” I don’t think those siblings fight will ever bore me. „Jace too.”

„B-but you’re even younger than me!”

„Alec do you really think that I haven’t been into bar or club before?” She asked amused.

„I…” He sighed. „A man can hope right?”

„We’ll be ready in half an hour.”

„Half an hour?!” We just laughed and exited the room.

In last weeks of dating Alec, Izzy and I grew closer finding out we’re a perfect match for besties. We went shopping together, texted from time to time and of course shared a lot of makeup advices. Turns out Isabelle attends karate classes and wants to become a neurosurgeon. She also hates color gray because all she can think about are sweat stains on gray t-shirts.

„Okay so I don’t want to stand out too much since I’m sixteen and we have to be cautious but I also need something that will make me look more mature.” She looks very mature already so it shouldn’t be a problem.

„Let’s see.” She sat on her bed while I walked into her wardrobe. Izzy’s clothes collection is impressive. It took me only five minutes. „I got it.” I chose black top without any arm straps, black culotte high waisted black jeans knowing that Alec probably wouldn’t let her out in some skinnies or dress. As a cherry on top a little bit oversized sparkly blazer. I gave her a second to change. Even if Isabelle is very comfortable with her body, as she should, and reassured me that she doesn’t need privacy to change I decided to turn away.

„Oh shit I didn’t think I’d ever rock those jeans. Mom bought it. Thank you Magnus I look great.” I’m sure if she could she would share a bit of her self-confidence with her brother who is clearly not even close to accepting his body like Isabelle does. She took out her favorite high heeled boots and left them for later. She sat in front of the mirror and started her makeup. „You know, in our last school a lot of people were trying to get together with Alec and he rejected everyone of them. And every time I felt so happy because I wasn’t ready to share my brother with anyone else, I know it's selfish but it is what it is. But you’re different. At first I was jealous but you’re so good for him. You’re making him happy in a way neither me nor Jace can. Thank you for that.”

„Wow.” Was all that came out of my mind. I spent a lot of time with Izzy but we never had any serious talk.

„You see, we not always had a great relationship with our parents. They used to focus all of their attention on work, they weren’t at home most of the time. It was Alec who practically brought us up and he’s only two years older than me.” I guess that’s why my boyfriend is so mature. I felt bad for him and for his lost childhood if only there was a way to repair it. „I promised him I wouldn’t tell you any embarrassing stories, I’m leaving it for a wedding.” She winked and I could feel myself blush. Once again because of Alec, no one before could make me blush. „So I’m going to tell you a cute one. Okay?”

„Okay.” I shifted on a bed turning full attention on the story while Isabelle continued her makeup.

„When I was nine we went to see a movie. Obviously for kids but there was this creepy fucking clown.” No way. Is Isabelle Lightwood afraid of clowns? „And since that day I had nightmares. Every single night for three weeks. And every night Alec has been waking up to my silent cries and screams. He would come to my bedroom, lie next to me and hug me like he wanted to protect me from every nonexistent clown that was haunting me. And I’ve never felt safer than in his arms. And almost every morning when I woke up I would see that I once again stole the whole covers and even if Alec was freezing every time he slept in my room he never said a word and kept coming until the nightmares stopped.” She finished and my heart couldn’t be more full of a warm, loving feeling. „So I promised myself to also protect him from everything possible. Remember, as much as I like you that doesn’t mean I won’t kill you if you hurt him.”

„You know I would never…”

„I know.” She cut me off. „It’s just… it’s easier to hurt Alec than me or Jace. He’s strong but he’s also very sensitive but hates showing it. And after what happened…”

I didn’t get time to ask what happened because of Jace who came into the room. „Yo, people are you ready? We don’t have the whole day!”

With that we went out. Thankfully Alec changed in some more bar-acceptable clothes, me insulting his fashion sense became some kind of thing in our relationship. We arrive at the bar, we went in without any problems. I spent the first hour making Alec comfortable in a place that’s for sure out of his comfort zone, Alec’s sibling went straight on a dance floor. When he relaxed he even agreed for a drink. I ordered him a mojito which he said was very tasty. Probably not because it was true but to make me feel better. Ah things you do for your other half.

It was karaoke night so we heard some shitty, wasted singers but I haven’t predicted that the someone who suddenly appeared on stage would be Alexander. He went to the bathroom five minutes ago and now here we have my precious boyfriend about to sing some popular song in a bar full of drunk people. If he didn’t drink only one drink I would say he’s drunk. But that’s not possible right?

_Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain_

_I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days_

Turns out the key to my full happiness was Alexander singing One Direction song.

_And I'll be gone, gone tonight_

_The ground beneath my feet is open wide_

_The way that I been holdin' on too tight_

_With nothing in between_

Jace and Isabelle joined me in the crowd, their eyes wide open.

_The story of my life, I take her home_

_I drive all night to keep her warm and time_

_Is frozen_

_The story of my life, I give her hope_

_I spend her love until she's broke inside_

_The story of my life_

Crowd went crazy, some of drunks joined him singing off key under their noses.

_And I've been waiting for this time to come around_

_But, baby, running after you is like chasing the clouds_

His eyes found mine and he sang the rest of the song looking at me.

_The story of my life_

_I take him home_

_I drive all night_

_To keep him warm and time_

_Is frozen_

My breath hitched and I couldn’t help but notice that he changed „her” to „him”.

_The story of my life_

And my heart once again melted for this angel boy I adore.

„Did he drink?” Jace asked in a concerned voice

„Yes.” I laughed but after seeing their glares I added. „But just a little bit.” and raised my hand in a surrendering gesture.

„Magnus!”

„What?!” I really don’t get what’s the problem, they’re younger and they drank.

„He can’t mix alcohol with pills.” Some vitamins I guess. „Let’s get out of here before mom and dad return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "Story Of My Life" by One Direction
> 
> Admit that you also needed Alec singing 1D song for your full happiness.
> 
> PS. I planned this fic to be very dark but turns out I'm much more comfortable(?) with writing fluff with a pinch of angst but get ready because we're going back to drama very soon.


	11. Exposed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh it's finally here! I have so many things on my mind recently that I couldn't find time for writing.
> 
> Anyways! tiny TRIGGER WARNING - mention of selfharm and scars

Magnus’ POV

When I was imagining the night out with Alec and his siblings I wasn’t exactly thinking about dragging my babbling boyfriend to the cab. One second he was giving a show on a bar stage and the next one he couldn’t keep a standing position. I’m guessing he’s not much of a heavy drinker but that got me worried. That was just one drink, right? And what pills was Isabelle talking about? We will talk about it… when Alec’ll be able to say anything else than senseless gibberish that is going on right now.

„Fuck, mom and dad are gonna kill us when they’ll find out!” I don’t know if Izzy is more terrified about this or for her brother.

„IF they’ll find out!” Jace pointed. „And it looks like they’re not home yet.” The car stopped in front of the house, all the lights are off only one lamp above the front door on.

Me and Jace took Alec to his room and put him to bed followed by their furious sister. „What the hell were you thinking Alec?! You know you fucking can’t, idiot!” Even if the words don’t say that it’s obvious she screamed at him with concern. And who can blame her.

„Okay.” I whispered and clasped my hands. „You two, go and get ready to sleep. I’ll take care of him.” It’s not the first time I’d have to take care of someone drunk. The only difference is that now I genuinely want to.

„But…”

I cut her off immediately. „I’ll sneak out soon and I’m gonna make sure none of your parents will see me. Relax.” Igave them my best smile, after all they also have to hide in their rooms

„Thank you so much Magnus!” Izzy hugged me and Jace return a smile, now it’s me and Alec.

„Oh Alexander, how such a tall body can get drunk that fast.” I chuckled looking at him with so much affection. He open one eye, well I didn’t mean to wake him up.

„Mhh don know ghhuh…” Oh my silly boyfriend. I took off his shoes and helped him get under the covers. I also grabbed a bottle of water form a desk and put it on his nightstand. He will need it in the morning, like a lot.

Izzy’s words still singing in my head. „What freaking pills?” I didn’t mean to say it out loud, it’s more like thinking aloud but I got a disturbing response.

„Happy pillssss…” He- he doesn’t mean what I’m thinking about right?

„Alexander wha-„ I was stopped by the sound of a car. I looked outside and it was Alec’s parents. I came to the conclusion that’s the last chance to sneak out and with that I left more confused than ever.

Alec’s POV

I woke up with a killing nauseating headache and it took me a while to recall the previous night in my head. I took another five minutes to recover and then opened my eyes. I almost jumped on a sight of Isabelle sitting on my bed facing me. I sat up and instantly take my head in my hands like it would prevent it from aching.

„Oh your head hurts?” I’m not sure where that fake worry comes from but I probably am going to find out soon. „Good maybe it’ll teach you something.” She tempered her anger and handed me a bottle of water from a nightstand which I have no idea how ended there.

„What the hell are you talking about?” If the look could kill I’d be 100% dead. „And for fuck’s sake stop shouting.”

„What the hell am I talking about? Maybe about the fact that you drank yesterday?” Oh. Right. But there’s still something that I don’t get.

„But how is this possible that I got so wasted after one drink?” I noticed the stress in her eyes and that does not happen often.

„Um… So some weeks ago I saw mom taking your meds from a box and put them in one of those plastic containers for every day in a week. And it felt odd because I know that neither you nor her does that.” My confusion growing every second and I have to admit I also found it strange at first but I thought she was doing that for me not to forget. „So I kinda forced her to tell me what that was about. And she- you’re not gonna like this. Turns out you’re still on the same meds but a higher dose.”

„WHAT THE FUCK?” She flinched visibly surprised at my burst out. I never scream. „You really thought that keeping it from me would be a good idea?”

„Alec I know I should have told you as soon as I found out.”

„Damn right you should!”

„But that doesn’t change the fact that you shouldn’t have drunk yesterday. You have to be careful Alec.” I feel so betrayed.

„Careful? Careful?! I constantly feel like in a freak show and one time I let myself have fun and it ends like shit because my own mother is lying to me. I’m so tired that I always have to be in control... But after all I brought it on myself.”

She he had tears in eyes. „Alec please don’t say that…”

„Iz leave…” She looked me with pleading eyes. „Please.”

„Are you sure?”

„Yes, I just want to be alone for a while.”

„But you won’t do anything, right? Promise me.”

„No, Isabelle, I won’t fucking cut myself.” I’m almost embarrassed of my harsh tone.

The heated silence feel over my room. „Okay.” Her voice barely above a whisper. She left. I hate seeing her sad. I hurt a member of my family. Again.

Still exhausted I went back to sleep not caring about setting an alarm.

I don’t know how much time later I opened my eyes to the view of my mom. My head hurts less and I feel less dizzy but not less betrayed.

„Good morning sweetie.” She smiled just as she hasn’t been lying to me for the past few weeks.

„It depends for whom.” Her face fell a little.

„It’s 2 pm. You have therapy in an hour. I made you breakfast.” She handed me a plate with sandwiches on it. Looking at food at the moment is making me want to throw up.

„Not hungry.”

„Alec, what it is about?” She’s trying not to sound annoyed but her frown says otherwise.

I shrugged. „Oh I don’t know! Maybe the fact that you lied to me about meds.”

Her mouth slightly open, eyes widened. „Oh.” Yeah, oh. „Alec oh god, I am so sorry. You have every right to be mad at me. I just- I just thought that if you found out about the dosage you would be stressed about it. I’m sorry.”

I can’t stay mad at her for a long time. I’m not even angry anymore, just betrayed and too tired to argue. „It… It’s okay.” I sighed she grinned. „But I’m still not eating.”

„Oh young man you’re eating.” I wanted to start arguing. „At least one sandwich okay?” I nodded. „And get ready, I know you hate being late.” She left the room giving me some privacy.

The food wasn’t actually that bad, I ate almost everything. Still laying in bed I managed to keep the nausea at bay. I abruptly stood up from bed making my head whirl. Shit that wasn’t my brightest idea. I ignored it and rushed to the bathroom to take a shower because I feel really disgusting right now. I have this thing with showers. When I feel sad, useless or hopeless water is always cold as a glacier, when I’m angry or I want to punish myself water is hot as hell. Or there’s the third option when I actually want to take a bath, just like I need now. In times like that temperature is acceptable even pleasurable.

In the middle of what was supposed to be relaxing act I came to the realization. I’m not sure what time we came home yesterday but I’m pretty certain I should inform my boyfriend that I’m alive. So I ran out of the bathroom, put black ripped jeans (Magnus insisted on buying them) and light pink t-shirt (gift from Izzy). Over last months I got kind of comfortable wearing short sleeves around my family. I’m still extremely ashamed of my scars but what’s the matter if they’ve already seen me that way. My phone is nowhere to be found. At least in my room which is mess right now by the way.

I went downstairs, Jace and Izzy were sitting on a couch watching some shitty show on Netflix. Dad started cooking dinner. I was asleep for a lot of hours. I received couples of ‚hey’s’.

„Hi dad, do you, for some reason, know where's my phone?” He shook his head.

„Oh Alec! It’s in my room. I believe you have some explanations to make, it’s been ringing the whole morning.” Shit. I ran back upstairs ang grab my phone from Jace’s desk. Seven missed calls is kinda dreading and even more texts.

[1:18 am] Mags: I just left your home, hope you’ll sleep well xo

[10:43 am] Mags: well good morning

[12:01 am] Mags: that tired?

[12:58 am] Mags: Alexander?

[2:13 pm] Mags: seriously Alec if u won’t pick up the goddamn phone in 20 mins I’ll come to your house!!!!

I quickly typed a response letting Magnus know that I’m fine. Fortunately those twenty minutes haven’t passed yet.

„Alec! Come down, I’m driving you today.” How pathetic having your younger brother to take you to your therapy session because you can’t do it yourself.

After fifteen minutes of talking about Clary we, finally, arrived. For the past months I made quite a progress. I haven’t fully opened about _it_ but we’re moving toward this direction. Mr. Belcourt taught me some ways of coping with pannic attacks, we discussed my school life, home life but not romantic life.

„Alec? You zoned out again?” My therapist laughed sympathetically.

„Um, yeah. Sorry.” I rubbed the back of my neck. „Can I ask you a question?”

„Of course.”

I guess it’s now or never. My eyes wandered to the pride flag on a wall and I gained courage so I asked. „How to come out to my parents?” I couldn’t dare to meet his eyes.

Although I didn’t have to look to hear a smile in his voice. „There is no ideal way to do this. If you’re afraid that they won’t accept it I’m pretty sure they will. Your parents care about you so much but I can’t tell you what to do. The decision has to come form you.”

„Thank you.” After that our session came back to the usual.

My used-to-be car was still standing in the parking lot, Jace was texting with someone. Clary, I bet. „You look pleased, it was nice?” I nodded. „Good. Now come on, let’s go home. I’m freaking starving.”

„Actually, can you drive me to Magnus’ place?” He just smirked and started the car, I typed a message.

[4:08 pm] Alexander<3: I’m coming over!

[4:11 pm] Mags: just come in, home alone:)

After the short drive I dismissed Jace and right now I’m standing in front of Magnus’ apartment. It’s not my first time here, I even met his mom and she’s extremely sweet and accepting. I wish soon I could introduce him to my parents. As I was told I entered without knocking and moved to the living room. Magnus was sitting on a couch looking beautiful as always.

„Oh, what a sight for sore eyes.” He flashed me one of those loving smiles of his.

„Hi.” I sat next to him. He patted my cheek and I put my head on his lap. Such a normal position for us. We looked into each other eyes, my blue ones into his amber ones. We stayed like this for a while. His slim fingers decorated by many rings combing my hair.

„I want to tell my mom.” I noticed question on his face. „About me. Me being gay.” His eyes shone.

„Why now?”

„I don’t want to hide you anymore. I love you!” I blurted out before I could stop myself. I froze in panic.

If his eyes shone earlier now they are literal diamonds. „Alec.” He breathed out and cupped my face. „I love you too.”

I pulled him down and captured his lips with mine. We shifted on a couch so he could sit on top of me, our faces not parting, even for a second. Kiss turned into a hot make out session. My hand slipped under Magnus’s shirt touching his impressing abs. Lost in intense emotions I let him took my hoodie off. I no longer felt warm hands on my body and swollen lips on my neck leaving marks.

I took a glance at Magnus. His frightened, wild eyes on my wrists and forearms.

„Oh god.” He whispered with shaking voice. I stood up and did the only thing I could. Ran away.

„Alec!” Shout full of anguish. „Please stop!” But I kept running.

This is why I never let my guard down. I let myself live in a moment. I got distracted and something happened. Something I’d see in my worst nightmares.

I reached the house and went to my bedroom ignoring everyone. Since Magnus and I started dating this is the first time I thought about cutting. Instead I digged my nails into the most recent wounds and cried myself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof told ya that drama will be back
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate it!!<33


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